Thirteen Minutes…Of Extra Time



If we had to pick a continent to represent our awesome loving skills, we would all surely like to think we are South Americans.

I’ve seen the carnivals, the half naked
girls with eighty foot peacock feathers on the back of floats, hypnotic drums seducing everyone into a trance like state, gold bikinis, more dance styles than you can samba to and advertising the brand Brazil you have Gisele Bündchen, who I do know of, and Marlon Teixiera, who I have no idea who he is but that’s because I spent twenty times longer researching female Brazilians.

Oh and of course, everyone has tight six packs, yep if you had to choose a country for the Sex World Cup it would have to be Brazil, or maybe another nearby country that has all the coolness but is a little more “boutique”. Maybe Bolivia, yes that’s the one. If I told you I had a new girlfriend from Bolivia you would immediately want to drag her down from her float and steal her from me.

However the Italians used to be high on my “I wish I was that country in bed” list, but one day the magic was smashed. I used to work in Italy a lot and found myself in a chemist, asking for condoms and it was then that the machismo aura of the Italian male crashed to the floor like a dropped Venetian chandelier.  You see the most popular brand is called Durex Performa, and it uses drugs, yes drugs!!!! To prevent the Italian man having an orgasm. The marketing blurb claims: “The average man takes seven minutes to orgasm while the average woman takes twenty minutes, therefore we have developed this product to fill the gap”, which although must have been welcomed by the thirteen minute short-changed Italian women, is against the rules. Against the rules of my imaginary competition. Obviously I sniggered, mostly at the “fill the gap” comment.

I like sex, well to be honest I love sex and therefore to do something you love for only seven minutes when you can do it for longer is incomprehensible. So I have now banned the Italians from the list for drug misuse, let alone the fact they would only last for the first seven minutes.  So what of the other great World Cup winning countries? The Germans are the perfect representatives of the Wazungus. But, oh my God! Have you ever watched German porn? I have to say, even though I may consider myself relatively well experienced, these guys are off the chart. They would definitely be stopped at the airport and deported with all their contraptions, tools, pets and instruments before being able to compete.

So who’s left? France (Vincent Cassel & Vanessa Paradis), England (Daniel Craig and Kate Moss), Uruguay (errr it’s the smallest country in South America and so we’ve not heard of any of them), Argentina (nope…) and Spain (that tennis bloke seems to get the girls all hot…Nadal is it?). Out of this lot I’m going for England, mostly because I’ve been told I look a bit like Daniel Craig, which is ok if you want to look like your face is upside down.

So let’s get this competition on!!  We could hold it at Kasarani Stadium, Bob Collymore  could introduce the first match where Lupita has to get Ian Mugoya to orgasm before the French team can. Go Lupita go… I however will be watching at home slowly peeling the peacock feathers off my hot Bolivian girlfriend with my upside down face, which will, of course, take well over 20 minutes…

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